did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
