I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
