Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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