awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
