You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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