I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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