u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
