It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
