FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
