I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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