Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
