There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
