I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
