We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
