She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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