Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
