Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
