i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My penis needs a shock collar
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
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