There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
