I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
