I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
