You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize