Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
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