I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
