im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
