Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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