Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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