I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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