nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
