Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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