I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
