Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
