Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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