I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
