I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You dont lie about slip and slides
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
