I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Boobs are out for the taking
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
