Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
accomplished twins. life is a go
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
