If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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