When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
