I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
