11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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