I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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