We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just googled if crying burns calories
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
