he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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