I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
