I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
