She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
