I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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