There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
