i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
