Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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