my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize