she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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