apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
