Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
