my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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